yarly

hill's bills

2008-05-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

HILL'S BILLS

HILLARY CLINTON
SENATE CHAIRMAN
BARACK OBAMA
SENATOR ONE
SENATOR TWO
GROUP OF SENATORS
FLOOR OF US SENATE

GAVEL BANGS

SENATE CHAIRMAN
I call this house to order and recognize the Senator from New York for three minutes

HILLARY
Thank you Mr. Chairman. I’m pleased to be taking some time off from my presidential campaign … (PAUSES, MAKES QUIETING MOTIONS WITH HANDS EVEN THOUGH THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON CLAPPING) … thank you, thank you, Hillary 08! Let’s do this! Right, so I have a couple of bills to introduce. The first is numbered S.6829, titled A Bill to Render the Abuse of Puppies a Criminal Act and (SPEAKS QUICKLY) to amend the Constitution to increase the minimum age for the Presidency to 47.

GENERAL POSITIVE MURMURING FROM SENATORS ABOUT PUPPIES

SENATOR ONE
(RISES FROM CHAIR) Point of Order, Mr. Chairman. Senator Obama is 46; this legislation seems directly targeted at disqualifying him from the race.

HILLARY
Point of Order. Puppies are cute. They are a-dor-a-ble.

SENATOR ONE
Yes, but … look, it doesn’t matter. We can’t just up and amend the Constitution. The states have to ratify it.

HILLARY
Ok, ok, Cap’n By The Book. I also have a bill, S.6830, titled A Call for the Immediate Annexation of Canada, Mexico, Australia and the Moon.

GENERAL POSITIVE MURMURING FROM SENATORS ABOUT THE MOON

HILLARY
This bill would immediately solve the problem of illegal immigration. And, according to my research, it would add approximately 3,000 unpledged delegates to our electoral system. Most importantly, we would totally own the moon.

SENATOR TWO
Wait, wait. This is ridiculous. Point of Order.

HILLARY
(MUTTERS QUICKLY) You’re a point of order.

SENATOR TWO
What?

HILLARY
Nothing

SENATOR TWO
Look, with all due respect, we can’t annex the moon. We couldn’t even land someone…

SENATE CHAIRMAN
(BANGS GAVEL) I’d remind the Senator that this is being broadcast on C-Span.

SENATOR TWO
… On, uh, Australia. In Australia. Anyhow, I move that this bill is, you know, too dumb to vote on or whatever.

CHORUS OF ‘HEAR HEAR’ FROM SENATE GROUP

HILLARY
Fine. I still have some time left, quiet down. (SENATORS CONTINUE TALKING) QUIET DOWN!!! Ok, last one, last one. S.6012, A Bill (CLEARS THROAT) to, uh, Supersede the … to, let’s see, to Reproportion the Right of … ah, screw it. It’s a bill to make it illegal for anyone with a college degree to vote. Oh, also, black people.

SENATOR ONE
(IMMEDIATELY) I second

SENATOR TWO
(IMMEDIATELY) I move for immediate voice vote

SENATE CHAIRMAN
All in favor?

IMMEDIATE CHORUS OF ‘AYES’

SENATE CHAIRMAN
All opposed?

SILENCE

SENATE CHAIRMAN
Wow, that was easy. Can’t believe we waited a hundred years to take that one back.

BARACK OBAMA RUSHES IN

BARACK
Hey guys, sorry I’m late. I got stopped by security … (RAISES ARMS IN COMICAL SHRUG) again! So, did I miss anything?

SENATORS MUMBLE, WHISTLE, REFUSE TO MAKE EYE CONTACT

LIGHTS DOWN

monologue jokes, may 12th - 19th

2008-05-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

A recent study concluded that mammograms alone aren’t enough to ensure early detection of breast cancer. Doctors are now recommending that women also have a yearly ultrasound and a monthly interview at Hooters.

Fans breathed a sigh of relief when ABC announced they’d be rescuing Scrubs from the NBC scrap heap. Most thrilled by the news: American Crew Hair Products, which gets 40% of its annual revenue from gel sales to Zach Braff

Maryland’s foreclosure rate jumped 42% in April, compared to the national increase of 4%. Governor Martin O’Malley announced the spike at a press conference introducing the state’s new slogan: “Maryland- Fuck it, Let’s Bail.”

Jury selection in the R Kelly trial is complete after just a little over a week. Expediting the process: 90% of all potential jurors were eliminated when they answered ‘yes’ to the first jury survey question: “Have you ever been peed on by R Kelly?”

Delaware Senator Joesph Biden responded angrily to President Bush’s recent implication that Democrats were appeasing terrorists, calling the president’s comments “bullshit.” Biden then returned to the Senate floor to introduce his new bill: S6820, titled Shit, Guys, Can’t We Get This Fucking AssClown Out of Office a Couple of God Damned Months Early?

Rough week for homophobes: The California Supreme Court struck down a ban on gay marriage. Anti-gay groups did score a small victory when the court also struck down a law aimed at changing the official state song to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen.”

Wisconsinite Brad Williams was recently identified as one of three known people in the world with hyperthymestic syndrome, a condition in which a person can remember every single detail of every day of their life. Upon discovery, Williams was immediately signed to a multi-million dollar contract by the GOP to never talk to anyone about anything that happened between 2000 and 2008.

The US Government donated $500,000 in US dollars to earthquake relief efforts in China. Chinese officials offered their thanks said that, after adjusting for currency value, the money would allow them to buy ice cream cones for as many as one dozen children impacted by the quake.

President Bush criticized Burmese leaders for their tepid response to the humanitarian crisis facing their country. Bush said their failure was was especially confusing since he’d advised them personally on the best way to deal with the aftermath of a natural disaster striking an impoverished area populated largely by an ethnic minority

monologue jokes may 4th - 11th

2008-05-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

Echoes of Rodney King in Philadelphia last week after a dozen predominantly white police officers were filmed by a news chopper relentlessly beating three black men. Philadelphia Police Chief Charles Ramsey ardently denied any parallel to the infamous beating of King. Said Ramsey: “Night and day, people. Night and day. King was filmed by a pedestrian. This was filmed from a helicopter.”

Actor Gary Dourdan, aka investigator Warrick Brown from the hit show CSI, was recently arrested for drug possession. Cops had everything they needed to charge Dourdan within the first ten minutes of apprehending him, but decided to let the arrest drag on for an hour for no good goddamned reason

A Naperville cheerleading coach has been charged with sexually assaulting his teenaged students. Parents first became suspicious after one of his teams performed this cheer at a regional competition: (Cheerleaders chanting in unison, clapping / stomping a rhythm) “I said brrrrr (clap-clap clap) It’s cold in here (clap-clap clap) There must be a male authority figure we all have in common preying upon our adolescent need for validation to satisfy his perverse sexual desires (clap-clap clap). Woooo, go Raiders!”

A twelve year-old Connecticut boy has taken off a Brett Favre jersey he’s been wearing for four years straight. Favre super-fan David Whitoff donned the jersey on his eighth birthday and finally removed it on his twelfth. Whitoff said he’s also quitting his alcohol / prescription painkiller addiction and will no longer force risky downfield plays into double coverage.

WGN ran an expose this week on a massive rat infestation at O’Hare Airport. However, the station was forced to issue a partial retraction after acknowledging that many of the creatures they counted as rats were actually just new screeners contracted by the TSA.

Oil hit $123 a barrel last week and is expected to go as high as $150 after OPEC announced that seven golden tickets have been placed in seven random barrels, tickets that will grant winners a personal tour of the reclusive Sheikh Saleh Kamel’s mysterious, magical refinery.

A new report from the Office of National Drug Control claims that regular pot smokers run the risk of developing serious mental problems. Pot advocates decried the report for shoddy methodology, hyperbolic conclusions, and for being printed on a glossy stock that leaves a wicked aftertaste when you use it to roll your joints.

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

2008-05-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

JIM
JANE
AD READER 1
AD READER 2
AD READER 3

OPEN ON MAN AND WOMAN STAGE RIGHT AT KITCHEN TABLE, READING NEWSPAPER

JIM
Man, it’s just one shooting after another in this city. Seriously, it’s like 20 a week now. I can’t even read the paper, it’s just too depressing.

JANE
Oh, you know what’s always funny – those ‘missed connections’ in the personals. “Last Friday, on the bus, you reading Cormac McCarthy, me staring at you for fifteen minutes straight without blinking, let’s have drinks”, yada yada.

JIM
Oh, right. Yeah, anything but page after page of this. Ok, let’s see what we’ve got.

LIGHTS DOWN ON JIM AND JANE, LIGHTS UP ON AD READER 1 STAGE LEFT

AD READER 1
You, tall with horn-rimmed glasses walking your dog in the Back of The Yards Neighborhood. Me, absent-minded brunette, reading on my way to the train, nearly tripped over your dog’s leash. We shared a laugh. I wanted to ask you out but we were interrupted by a hail of bullets from a passing car that forced both of us to run screaming for cover. I’d like to maybe find cover together next time.

AD READER 2
Last Friday, mid-afternoon, southwest side of Chicago is a quaint little tire store. I was a customer; you were dropping off a package. We made small talk but I felt a big connection and got your number. Then a man stormed in, pulled out a gun, shot the owner to death and winged me in the torso. I think I lost your number in the ambulance. Maybe in the store. Christ, there was a lot of blood. So much blood. Can I request redelivery?

AD READER 3
I never post these but I’ve been trying to be more spontaneous. You, hazel-eyed pedestrian on the Far South Side. Me, tall, athletic with brown eyes, hair parted to the right, wearing a snug-fitting polo shirt with orange stripes and blue Pumas. Oh, also, I was fleeing from police on foot and waving an AK-47 in my right hand, firing wildly behind me. You were on your way to work? I was dying to say hello, but I had just murdered someone in a plumbing store and I didn’t want to make you an accessory after the fact. Respond to Box 1526.

LIGHTS DOWN ON READER, LIGHTS UP ON JIM AND JANE

JIM
God, this city is just sick. I’m going for a walk.

JANE
Ok, honey, see you later.

JIM EXITS. JANE TAKES OUT PHONE AND DIALS

JANE
Hi, Tribune personals? Box 1526 please.

monologue jokes, april 28th - may 4th

2008-05-04T15:19:00.000-07:00

Blogs were abuzz this week with news of an unearthed sex tape purportedly starring Jimi Hendrix. Less exciting was news of a sex tape starring Air Supply, which features 30 minutes of band members chastely hugging women while sobbing softly.

Northwestern University officials rescinded their offer of an honorary degree for Barack Obama’s former pastor Jeremiah Wright. Northwestern settled on a less controversial choice for the degree – Obama’s former barber, Sweeney Todd.

After a record number of April shootings, Chicago received more bad news this week when the developers of Grand Theft Auto announced they were suing the city for making their game seem not violent enough.

A new Federal law makes it illegal for employers to discriminate against people based on genetic information, except, of course, the genes that determine a person’s height, intelligence, breast size, hand-eye-coordination and whether or not they have a horse face like that chick from Sex in the City.

President Bush addressed the economy in a weekend speech where he said that we will “weather this rough period.” Bush then announced that, on a brighter note, he’s been hired by Roget’s to author their synonym entry for ‘recession.’

A new study reveals that an aspirin a day may help prevent breast cancer. Also helpful: breast examinations, which I’ll be happy to provide after the show. Or right now. I would stop this show right now just to touch you.

Several news outlets ran stories this week on the trend of teenagers trading nude photos of themselves via cellphone, called ‘sexting.’ A related, but less popular trend: teenagers forming six-person musical groups via cellphone, or ‘sexteting’

monologue jokes for april 20th - 27th

2008-04-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

Fast food giant Arby’s purchased Wendy’s this week. Dave Thomas’s family is reportedly outraged by the combined chain’s new logo - an image of Wendy’s face covered with horsey sauce.

This week People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, offered a one million dollar reward for the successful in vitro development of fake meat. The move drew immediate fire from People for the Ethical Treatment of Money.

Actor Wesley Snipes was recently sentenced to three years in prison for tax evasion. Snipes might have gotten off easier if he and Woody Harrelson hadn’t hustled the lead prosecutor in a pre-trial game of pickup basketball.

Pedestrians in the Loop got a scare this week when an apparently deranged man ran through a crowd of a hundred or so people, knocking down seven total. The man was released after he explained that he was just doing his impression of Barack Obama bowling.

A British court reinstated rapper Snoop Dogg’s UK visa this week. Snoop was especially pleased due to the rhymability of “the UK” with “bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-eh.”

Fifteen year old Miley Cyrus inked a seven-figure deal with Disney to publish her memoirs. Also upcoming from Disney Publishing: an ethics primer by Karl Rove and a Sylvia Plath motivational quote of the day calendar.

Wikipedia announced plans this week to publish a print version of their online encyclopedia. In related news, Google unveiled a revolutionary new service: direct-to-home delivery of three dimensional messages from anywhere in the world within just a few days.

monologue jokes, april 13th - 20th

2008-04-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

Six suburban Chicago schools closed last Thursday due to graffitti in the girl's restroom that read "Prepare to die on 4/17/08." Police are now also investigating whether or not Traci Milligan is a total slut.

The Supreme Court ruled against two Kentucky death-row innmates who argued that lethal injection is cruel and unusual punishment. Justices said the innmates should have argued that being forced to live in Kentucky was the cruel and unusual aspect of their punishment.

A car carrying Sandra Bullock was struck by a drunk driver this weekend. The wreck is Bullock's first since 2006's The Lake House, co-starring Keanu Reeves.

Drug maker Merck paid prominent doctors to sign off on studies ghost-written by Merck researchers. Medical journals apparently became suspicious after submissions with titles like 'Vioxx: Fuckin-A right it's safe' and 'Fosax: Just prescribe it already, Christ.'

In a new tape, Al-Qadea rep Ayman al-Zawahri claims that the Iraq war has been a failure and that Bush lacks a real solution to the crisis. Analysts say that if al-Zawahri can supplement that message with a credible plan for universal health care, he could become a legitimate dark horse contender for the Democratic nomination.

Recent tests revealed the presence of teflon and popular prescription drugs in Chicago tap water. Officials said the water's safe, but that you should seek medical attention if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours after drinking it.

A 17-year-old was shot near Carbini-Green last week. Chicago police immediately issued an APB for their chief suspect in the shooting: (picture of a cougar) A cougar.

Ben Stein's movie 'Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed' opened last weekend. The film, which argues against evolution, marks a sharp turn in Stein's career. (said in Stein's voice from Ferris Bueller's Day Off) "Credibility? Credibility? Credibility?"

New York Courts upheld a law that will force all restaurants to post calorie information on their menus. McDonald’s announced plans to comply with the law using a sophisticated labeling tactic known as ‘lying.’

People Magazine confirmed that signer Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. Simpson denied further reports that she was actually pregnant a few months ago and is just pretending to be pregnant now.

monologue jokes, april 8th - 13th

2008-04-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

The Illinois House voted this week to allow recalls of public officials. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich vowed to veto the bill, reminding voters that he called “no do-overs” immediately upon taking office.

Governor Rod Blagojevich said he would sign a law allowing voters to recall public officials if the Assembly agreed to one small modification. To vote to recall an official, voters have to be able to spell the official’s full name out loud in one try.

The Illinois House passed a law allowing recalls of public officials, apparently directed at Governor Rod Blagojevich. Blagojevich said he wasn’t sure how to respond, as he’s been unable to make any decisions since Tony Rezko got so busy with that whole trial thing.

Police shot a Chicago-area woman after she charged at them with a three-foot long broadsword. The woman apparently refused to drop the sword because, in her words, “police lacked the necessary Charisma Points to cast a Spell of Unholding.”

Lake County police shot a woman who attacked them with a three-foot long broadsword. Lake Country police were also called to investigate a thrashing of the local alchemist at the hands of rowdy serfs and the thieving of much treasure by the wretched dragon Jormungandr.

After a woman charged at them with a three-foot-long broadsword, Lake County Police shot her in the buttocks. Upon falling to the ground, the woman expressed amazement at what she called “the powerful magiks of these flat-hatted warlocks.”

Long-time Chicago Public Schools principal Mirna Diaz Ortiz is being charged with stealing over $35,000 from CPS accounts. If convicted, Ortiz faces up to five years in prison, which she will serve in two hour increments every weekday from 3 to 5.

Chicago Public Schools principal Mirna Diaz Ortiz is charged with the theft of over $35,000 from school accounts. CPS third-graders quickly provided the media with a list of student-approved nicknames for Ortiz, including: Principal McStealyPants, Seymour Skimmer, and Mirna Ortheivez.

Star prosecution witness Stuart Levine seriously undermined the state’s case against Tony Rezko this week. Levine contradicted himself, backpedaled, and frequently responded to defense attorneys’ questions by winking and saying: “You know what might help jog my memory? A pep talk from my old pal Ben Franklin”

At “Safe Haven” locations, Illinois mothers can abandon their newborn babies without fear of prosecution. “Safe Havens” include police stations, hospitals, fire stations, and temporary satellite locations in alleys behind high school proms. (Wait for audience groan) Oh, sorry, didn’t realize so many of you were abandoned as newborns on prom night.

Under the “Safe Haven” program, Illinois mothers can abandon their newborn babies at police stations, fire departments and hospitals without fear of prosecution. Pregnant women considering abandonment are reminded that, despite the convenient outdoor receptacles, post offices are not officially approved Safe Haven locations.

The new “Safe Haven” program allows Illinois mothers to abandon their children at designated locations without fear of prosecution. The program is limited to newborn children, a fact that could have saved me a whole day of being driven around Chicago on a “very special secret trip” if someone had just shared it with my mother.

A federal monitor ripped into Cook Country officials this week, claiming that patronage and corruption resulted in the hiring of completely incompetent staff, including typists who couldn’t type and secretaries who couldn’t secrete.

American Airlines grounded dozens of planes this week that failed to comply with official FAA wiring standards. An American Airlines official stressed that the wiring didn’t present a “safety issue.” Of course, he did use American Air quotes when saying that…

Should their planes fail a third round of FAA inspections, American Airlines has revealed a plan to restore travel service to customers: retrofit all planes with headlights, horns, extra wheels, turn signals, and slap massive Greyhound decals on each side.

Iraqi forces commander General David Petraeus testified before Congress this week with near-flawless aplomb, cracking only when Dennis Kucinich burst into the room and shouted “Petraeus? More like Betray-us! Thank you, I’m here all term. Don’t forget to tip your pages.”

As US lawmakers called for an official condemnation, China insisted that the Tibetan crackdown was just an elaborate prank that has simply been misinterpreted by the West. Explained Chinese President Hu Jinato: “We Chinese. We play joke.”

Rapper 50 cent was sued by a 14-year old boy who claims that Fiddy’s lyrics were responsible for an assault suffered by the teenager. If successful, the damages awarded will likely force the rapper to change his name to Nickel.

NBC announced plans to spin-off their popular series ‘The Office’ with new shows that focus on specific areas of the office. Viewers can look forward to ‘The Office: Conference Room’, ‘The Office: Warehouse’, and ‘The Office: Women’s Restroom, Starring Creed Bratton’.

NBC will soon launch a spin-off of their popular series ‘The Office’. NBC announced the plans at a party for the unveiling of their new slogan: “NBC: Driving good ideas straight into the fucking ground since 1939.”

Indiana passed a law requiring all businesses that carry “sexually explicit materials” to register with the state and pay a licensing fee. Indiana McDonalds responded by indefinitely delaying the rollout of their new sandwich, The McTitty.